A gentle, psychology-backed approach to help you feel understood, not overwhelmed
When Conversations Feel Harder Than They Should
I was at lunch with a group of women when someone said it.
Casual. Matter-of-fact. Like she was commenting on the weather.
“I cry in the shower so no one knows I’m overwhelmed.”
The conversation moved on. Someone laughed. Someone changed the subject. The room kept moving.
But I didn’t.
I felt like I was in a movie, like everyone around me was moving in real time and I was stuck in the last scene, replaying what she’d just said.
We didn’t stop. We didn’t ask her more. We didn’t sit with the weight of what she’d just admitted.
And I kept thinking: How many other women in this room feel the same way and just glossed over it because this is normal for them too?
How many of us are crying in showers, closets, cars, anywhere we won’t be seen, because we don’t know how to say out loud that we’re drowning?
Communication shouldn’t hurt like that.
If you’ve ever felt unseen in your relationship, like you’re speaking but no one’s hearing you, or worse, like you’ve stopped trying to speak at all, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
You just need a way to slow down enough to understand what’s actually happening underneath the moment.
The ABC Model: A Simple Tool for Clearer Communication
There’s a tool from psychology that helped me stop spiraling in these moments. It’s called the ABC Model, and it’s simple enough that you can use it even when you’re too upset to think straight.
Here’s how it works:
A: Activating Event
What actually happened? Not the story you told yourself about it. Just the facts.
Example: They forgot to call.
B: Belief
What story did you attach to that moment?
Example: “They don’t care about me.”
C: Consequence
How did you respond? What did you do or feel?
Example: You withdrew. Or snapped. Or cried. Or shut down completely.
Most of us jump straight from A to C without ever noticing B, the belief sitting in the middle.
But B is where the real hurt lives. And B is the part you can actually change.
Why This Model Helps
Here’s what I’ve learned: Two people can live through the exact same moment and walk away with completely different meanings.
That’s not dysfunction. That’s just being human.
The ABC Model helps you pause long enough to see what’s really happening. It helps you communicate the belief, not the blame. It helps you say, “When this happened, the story I told myself was…” instead of, “You always…”
And when you do that, the whole tone shifts. From defensiveness to understanding. From attack to honesty.
I Learned This the Hard Way
Early in my marriage, I had this pattern. If my husband came home late without texting, I’d go quiet. Distant. He’d ask what was wrong, and I’d say “nothing” while my whole body screamed otherwise.
What I didn’t know then was that I wasn’t reacting to him being late. I was reacting to the belief underneath it: “If he cared, he would’ve let me know.”
That belief came from somewhere old. Somewhere that had nothing to do with him.
Once I could name the belief, once I could say, “When you didn’t text, the story I told myself was that I don’t matter,” the conversation changed. He could hear me. And I could hear him.
The ABC Model gave me language for what I’d been feeling but couldn’t explain.
When Talking Feels Too Heavy: Write Instead
Sometimes the emotions rise too fast. Your throat tightens. The words won’t come. Or they come out wrong, sharper than you meant, messier than you wanted.
When that happens, write instead.
Writing slows you down. It helps you clarify what you’re actually feeling before you try to explain it. It gives your partner space to receive your truth without the pressure to respond immediately.
My husband and I have done this. I’ll write what I need to say in a note and leave it for him to read. He’ll write back. The pause between writing and reading creates breathing room we don’t always have in spoken conversation.
And sometimes, that pause saves everything.
A Tiny Reflection Step
Think about your last disagreement and gently ask yourself:
- What was the A, the trigger?
- What was the B, the belief I attached to it?
- What was the C, the consequence in me?
- Was I reacting to the moment… or to something I’ve carried for years?
This reflection alone can shift your entire communication pattern.
A Gentle Action
Tonight, choose one small moment to communicate differently. Something simple, like:
“When this happened, the belief I had was…”
“I know you didn’t mean it this way, but my story was…”
“Here’s what this moment brought up in me…”
Just one sentence. One pause. One soft truth.
Connection grows from these tiny moments of courage.
Optional Journaling Prompts
If you want to explore this deeper:
- “What belief comes up for me most often during conflict?”
- “Where did I learn that belief?”
- “How would I communicate if I felt completely safe?”
- “What does feeling understood look like for me?”
Pick the one that feels tender. That’s the doorway to clarity.
Now let this week be the beginning of communicating what you’ve been carrying in silence.
You Might Also Find Comfort In:
How to Feel Less Overwhelmed When Everything Happens at Once
A Gentle Note from Keisha
Keisha’s House is a space for reflection, rest, and gentle recovery. While I hold a BSW and MSW, this content is not therapy or clinical treatment.
If what you’re carrying feels heavier than reflection can hold, you might find support in guided tools like Headspace meditation, breathwork, and mindfulness designed to help with stress, sleep, and emotional regulation. Explore it here.
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You’re always welcome here. Take your time, explore what resonates, and come back whenever you need to breathe.
